This is not a medicinal post, or perhaps maybe it is. Not on plants or worldly medicines, which I normally share with you all here. This is a letter that I wrote Amber. Amber was my sister, she past away February 26, 2009 at 29 years of age (level 29) from a methadone overdose.
I have been in healing for these last ten years with the loss of her. She was my best friend. And in my healing, I decided to write her a letter as her birthday is December 4th. I read it to a friend, or actually cried it to a friend. They believed as well as I, and expressed to share it to my page for you all and ANYONE that may benefit from reading it.
This is a very personal post. It took a lot of me to write this not to mention the courage to share it with you all. I am sharing because the pain that was released from me in this action, helped much with my healing.
To anyone that has suffered a loss of a loved one. Perhaps writing a letter to them may benefit you as it did me. Thank You For Reading! I love you! - @EdibleDee
Looking back, I cannot believe its been ten years since you were with us in physical form. I’ve gone through many growth and transformation periods of my soul since you left, even though, I know now you never really “left”…
At first, as your physical form laid to rest, and our family and those that loved you said there goodbyes. I never could… I never wanted to say goodbye to you. I couldn’t and didn’t want to except that you weren’t with us, with me, and couldn’t be …anymore…
At that time of me thinking “you were gone” - I was the absolute worst version of myself. Self destructive, I drank every day…at work, alone…wanting to numb the pain that I couldn’t talk to you, that I l couldn’t call you and you would come over on my darkest days and make me laugh the pain away - and my days were dark for quite awhile. I lost my best friend…I didn’t know how to mourn you, because I didn’t want to. As I said, I couldn’t and didn’t want to say goodbye…
I hit rock bottom with my self destruction…I felt that everything reminded me of you, I was living in pain…I felt lost…or more so trapped. I felt like my soul had to leave. That I couldn’t take the memories anymore. I missed you too much…So in the moves of “flight or “fight”, I chose “flight”. I left the memories. I left our home. I left our family… For years I lived in regret of that, I cried to you for forgiveness so many nights for leaving Christopher, Mom, Dad, Jason… I had so many disagreements with them on me leaving, they missed me, but I couldn’t bring myself to move back home… I felt always, at that time, as I abandoned our family…
It has literally taken years and a few spiritual awakenings to gain the clarity on what is , and to also see now that what I saw years ago as my “flight”, that I regretted and held guilt for for so long, that with that “flight” I also chose to “fight”. I had this feeling in my gut, an intuition, that I had to do what I did. It didn’t make sense at first. That I had to leave Virginia. But then Intuitions don’t make sense until after you follow them, not before. It was not easy leaving home and I was suffered many struggles to begin a new life so far away from our family.
I remember my first drive when I moved away, driving cross country through Tennessee, that I saw such a beautiful sunset. I kissed my hand, touched the roof of my car and said, out loud, “thank you Amber”. That initial moment of talking to you was the first moment since you were “gone” that I felt peace. Because I talked to you…you said nothing back, but you didn’t have to. I felt calm and that everything was right and that you were there. That kissing the hand in thanks to you continued since that first time. Every time I was almost in a car accident, I would kiss the ceiling and thank you for protecting me…because I felt that you did. I started doing it at every time I was, or felt, protected. From a fall, a relationship, a bad decision. I always felt you, probably why the pain at first lingered so intensely at your passing, because I still felt you there…but you weren’t were you…Then I felt a piece of that pain was removed every time I talked to you. Every time I thanked you… I did it so often that my staff started doing it…even tho I don’t think they understood at all why.
Looking back now, that “intuition”, finally makes sense. The synchronicities in my life has been evident of that. I always followed it…I felt as if I was on a frequency and was always presented with beautiful moments and relationships that helped shape my life, my universe. Loosing you as I did arose a passion in me to help those that suffered as you, because I could no longer help you… I fell willingly into a passion that I have fallen in complete love with. And with you being my first guinea pig on my edible creations, and even tho I saw you protecting me from falls, it feels like this “fall” was more so a push by you that led me into something that I keep fighting for. My “fight”. Again, “Thank you Amber.”
On this anniversary of your birth. I thought to write you this letter and list some more “thank you’s”…so as my ritual goes, I kiss my hand, now…
Thank you Amber, for giving me the best gift of the perfect mini you, our Christopher. As you know, I am SO PROUD of him every day!!
Thank you Amber, for being there for Mom - during your physical life and after. I know you’ve been there so much, helping her, she misses you! Dad is there , always by her side - loving and missing you!
Thank you for being there for Jason, he is still our best big brother we could’ve dreamed of. Not to mention uncle and father. Our family keeps growing!
Thank you Amber, for my birthday celebrations and my favorite one, my fake bachelorette party. For your birthday, I make a promise to you, I will as of 2019 finally start celebrating them again. I apologize for not for so long…it just didn’t feel right without you. I’ll be at level 34 next year wearing a onesie in your honor! (I promise)
Thank you Amber, for every time you protected me from my falls, and for every time you pushed me. In life and afterlife.
Thank you Amber, for the gift of letting me see you again and coming to me during my Aya ceremony. It was so beautiful to see you that way! And as you said to me there and I notice now…I never said “good bye” to you…and I know now it was because I never had to. You were never gone. So as you said to me there…no good bye, I’m here, and we will talk again soon!
Lastly, I am so happy and grateful that the universe made your soul to be my sister. I am happy and grateful for the time I had with you, every memory, and all the times you are here for me now.
I love you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Amber ! And - Thank You!